Quietness of Soul

Quietness of soul, the fruit of truly seeking God, is seldom found in modern Christians. Far too many have come to accept turbulence of soul as the norm and have ceased to seek God with their whole hearts. Some have fled the cities to cloistered retreats in the hope of finding this quietness, only to discover their hearts still restless. A.W. Tozer

There is nothing quite like recognizing the true sovereignty of God in a moment of life and death. That moment when you are all alone holding the head of someone gasping for their last breath. In desperation, you do all you can to help. You lift their bloodied head to place it on a towel hoping for added comfort. You cry out for help hoping someone with more knowledge will know better how to respond. You begin CPR compressions in hopes to add another beat to their heart. But then you realize, you and they both, lack the power over the very breath of life that presides in living lungs. Finally, the sounds of sirens fill your ears but even you know it’s too late. Although there were two people in the house, you are already all alone.

They say that Yahweh, when pronounced correctly, is literally the inhale and exhale of lungs. Lungs, connected to the mind, connected to the spine, connected to the entire body. Hebrews believed that the soul sat in the core of a person. I wonder if it’s not seated in the lungs. And when God takes away that last breath of life, the soul departs from the lungs and enters the vastness of eternity no longer confined to the physical or time. What would we be without that breath of life but a pile of ash? When did we get so prideful, so entitled, to think we can make demands for anything?

No, in that moment, one truly learns the sovereignty of God.

This was my story as I held my great grandmother in her dying moments. It was easily the scariest moment of my life.

Grandma had a major heart attack and was informed by doctors that she could either go into a nursing home or have hospice. She threw a fit because she didn’t want a stranger in her home, nor did she want to die in nursing home. So, I offered to move for a few weeks from San Antonio to El Paso to be with her and help her out. I prayed that by serving her maybe she would witness the love of Jesus. I had only been there for a day when I already felt very strongly that I had to be upfront with her. I let her know that Jesus loves her so much that He paid the ultimate price for her sins so that she may live eternally with Him, but she needed to accept this gift and then recognize His power in her life. We were sitting in a chair crocheting sunflowers. She looked at me and said, “I have lived almost 100 years and have never needed your Jesus.”

She then got up to make a pot of soup, I asked if she needed help, but she said she had it. Grandma had always been a stubborn woman, and I knew it wouldn’t help anything to insist on helping. A few minutes later she was screaming my name in such terror. I ran into the kitchen to find her falling backwards, it appeared she had attempted to get a bowl from the top shelf and had tried to prop herself up higher on the counter, she fell and hit her head on the tile floor. I called 911 and was put on hold and while waiting texted a short message to a few important people saying 911 and then ran to get a towel. The rest you already heard, and it is quite honestly too graphic to go into detail. Probably one of the most sobering facts is that my name was the last thing she ever said. I had been calm as I did all that I needed to do but as people finally got there and I could finally hand over this huge responsibility all I could do was scream.

Later I was told that my response was extra dramatic of me, but I think that a dramatic event warrants a dramatic response.

Afterwards I didn’t know what to do with myself. However, I did know that I knew how to walk. And so, I did. I walked and walked and walked. Some days I would walk so much and when I finally would realize where I was, I’d realize I would be miles from where I started.

One question kept rumbling in my mind as my feet took each step: is God still good?

Perhaps it’s a common question when one faces the reality of just how sovereign and supreme God actually can be. Our lives are literally in His hands. Does that mean when things we perceive to be evil or unfair happen that He is a bully or a participant? How can He allow such horrific things to happen when He holds all power and still be called good?

I came to a decision to just trudge through in that timeframe. It felt like I had two choices in that moment: to either get angry at a God who seems power thirsty or accept my fate that my life is in His hands, and I better be careful not to get Him angry. There was no question in my mind that He was real. In that kitchen I experienced Him firsthand, God is real, eternity is real, and hell is real. No question about it. Some may want to blame the intense emotions at the time but looking back without the emotions, I know I saw the truth of that reality reflecting in her dying eyes. It was just as stark as the blood that was tainting my hands. In that moment it was like she was on a bridge between the physical world and the spiritual world and through her eyes I could see evidence for both. She had claimed she didn’t need my Jesus, and as if to prove that she did, He humbled her so quick, and she was pleading for mercy. There is no other way to describe it.

And so, I trudged through, trying to make sense of this new side of God I had come to understand.

Yes, He is still forgiving and loving but He is sovereign.

So, I found truth.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances for this is Gods will for you.” - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” - Galatians 6:9

I went home for a few days to go get my family so we could attend grandma’s funeral together. During that short time at home, there was a day where I was eating pizza on a picnic table talking with my husband while the kids played at the park, I heard another terrified scream. It was my daughter, she had fallen from the monkey bars and when I saw her arm I knew something was wrong. At first the doctors didn’t even believe her, I fear because I had trained my kids too well how to handle pain. She wasn’t screaming and hollering when we pulled up to the ER; she was calmly sitting, listening to music, tears quietly streaming down her face. The first doctor said she was just fine because she’d be in so much pain with a broken arm. I demanded an X-ray and a second opinion and they finally listened; only to find she had a rare break that only happens 5% of the time, where one bone is dislocated and breaks the bone next to it: a monteggia fracture.

No other little girls broke their arms on that playground on that day. So many took a tumble and were just fine. But on top of everything else going on with my family, my daughter is the one who ends up with a broken arm? Isn’t God supposed to protect us?

Is God still good?

Perhaps what taught me the most in that timeframe was my daughter. She put on a brave face not just with the doctors but throughout the entire three months that followed. She had problems with her thumb healing correctly and the doctors warned us it may never heal properly. However, she chose to find joy in even the small moments. Like when her cat Coon was sniffing her cast with concern and then decided to give her a kiss on the cheek. Or when she reminded us at my grandmas funeral that she was still strong and tough as she faced severe swelling and pain and began to do silly things to lessen our worry. Or when she informed me that she would accept help and follow the rules so that she could still go to summer camp and then proceeded to do so with a good attitude. Or perhaps it was later when she sat by an older woman who had broken her leg and was struggling to accept the fact that she had to rest and heal and Alera told her “God knows what’s going to happen next and you can be glad during this time.” It dawned on me that perhaps hard things happen to strengthen our characters. My daughter taught me to have joy in preserving.

And so, I found joy.

“Consider is pure joy my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” - James 1:2-4

“We also glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character and character produces hope.” - Romans 5:3-4

A few months later my uncle was diagnosed with a severe case of cirrhosis. We scheduled a day when we could go hang out at a swimming hole with the entire family and it stole my breath to see him so skinny and frail. That day while we were spending time with family there was a quiet fiasco happening in the parking lot. Several cars were being picked at random to be broken into and then robbed. Out of hundreds of cars, ours was one of the ten or fifteen that ended up with two broken windows and robbed. Ironically what was taken was my backpack which one of the items included inside was my journal about my struggles with understanding the goodness of God through my grandmothers death.

Isn’t God supposed to protect us?

Is God still good?

On the way home, driving down the freeway with the wind blasting in our face due to the lack of windows, my husband screamed over the wind, “We should pray for those people who robbed us. They must be having a very difficult time in life if they feel so desperate as to need to steal from others.” So we began to pray which turned to thanking God for what we have been blessed with in our own lives. That soon turned into praising God at the top of our lungs so as to be heard over the whipping wind, sitting on our towels on top of the crushed glass we tried to remove the most of. Our lives in shambles but our hearts renewed.

And that’s when I found peace.

Quietness of my soul.

The quiet wasn’t found in retreat, on some peaceful mountain, or even by a babbling creek. It was found in the mess of broken windows and a whirlwind of warm freeway air. The quiet was found in accepting the goodness of God despite the chaos of life.

“Turn away from evil and do good, strive for peace with all your heart.” -Psalm 34:14

“Finally, brethren, rejoice, be made complete, be comforted, be like-minded, live in peace; the God of love & peace will be with you.” - 2 Corinthians 13:11

But perhaps found is the wrong word. Why do we say “I found God” as if He was ever lost? We don’t say that we “found Jim” or “found Suzie” when we make their acquaintance. And yet the term is often used when one accepts the gift of salvation, when they accept the truth of who God is. When He is found, what’s next? Do we just walk on in our life exclaiming how we found God once upon a time? It’s unfortunate we can’t find a better word for that defining change in our life.

Even in answering my question: is God good? I didn’t just “find the answer”. It was a slow discovery and a coming to understanding. After seeing just how deep understanding can go I believe I have much yet to learn about the goodness of God. It’s a process, a journey, a discovery.

So, what have I discovered about the goodness of God?

I’ll be honest, I don’t entirely understand it yet. However, I have discovered a fallacy within my own reasoning. See, I believe my pride has blinded me leaving me to assume that there is only one acceptable way to be treated in order for the treatment of my being to be considered good. Why do I act so entitled? Would I be bold enough to consider that there may be better alternatives than what I have assumed is best? Would I trust God enough to know that He is a just God who knows all and can see more than what I can see? Perhaps I am trying to define what good is by my own standards and is that fair to the God of the universe?

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” - Psalm 46:1

“Humble yourselves so that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your cares on Him because He cares for you. Be sober-minded, be alert, your adversary the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion looking for anyone to devour. Resist Him knowing the same kinds of sufferings are being experienced by fellow believers throughout the world. Christ will restore, establish, strengthen and support you after you have suffered a little while.” - 1 Peter 5:6-10

Perhaps God wasn’t making a power play with my grandma, she admitted she didn’t want Him, and she wanted a swift death within her own home which He mercifully gave her. Perhaps God knew that certain character traits needed to be matured within my daughter and a broken arm was the best way to achieve those traits. Perhaps that journal with all those scriptures and verse maps fell into the hands of someone who desperately needed it. Besides, us being robbed was one of the major turning points in me seeking God more than the bottle.

Perhaps God isn’t good, but He is greater. Does our definition of what good is, limit the incredible things that He can accomplish through fire? He is right, and just, and pure. He is not limited by the pressures, standards or rules of time, He is eternal. He sees beyond our temporary pain and circumstances and although He does share in that pain with us because He loves us that much, He also knows just how much better it will be in eternity. He has a plan for us, one to prosper us. We assume that plan will take place here on Earth but again, God is not limited by our physicality or time. This is where faith becomes necessary.

Faith in the master silver smith. The one who has to hold the silver in the flames in order to mold and shape it into a master piece. The silver smith endures the same lick of fire and pain himself so that when the silver may finally be refined enough to reflect His face. Only then will the silver be perfected, complete, whole.

We do not find God, we discover Him. Again and again, when moments of despair help us to glimpse the promise of forever.

We assume those moments of despair and pain mean that God couldn’t possibly be good. But perhaps this feeling sorry for ourselves and what we consider unfair, limits our growth.

“Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me because I am lowly and humble, and heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30

So, I am growing.

I think of Balaam in Numbers 22. He did try to trust God. In fact, the men who had sought him out had gone home then come back to try again because he seemed so stable. That second time they offered him a huge opportunity with a lot of money. I’m sure it felt disappointing that God again said no. Then God said, “if they come and get you in the morning then you may go as long as you do all I say”. However, the men didn’t come to get him, and Balaam chased after them. It probably appeared as though he was missing out on a good opportunity, but God may have had something greater planned if he had only been patient. God went so far to wake Balaam up out of his stubborn journey that God allowed a donkey to speak with human words!! How easy would it have been to say that the donkey was possessed but instead Balaam had his eyes open and saw the error in his ways.

How often do we give credit to Satan for the things that occur in our lives? When anything bad happens how quickly do we simply say, “Satan is working against me” or “the devils trying to trip me up”. Aren’t we supposed to trust God in all circumstances?

In Job 1 we can see that Satan had to ask for Gods permission in order to turn Jobs circumstances around. He did so because when God asked what Satan thought of Job, Satan responded that the only reason Job trusted God was because it was easy. But here’s the catch, God is omniscient so He already knew how Satan would respond and so we can assume this was planned out. Now that’s a scary thought.

We in our human minds just heard that God planned for Job to suffer. We get so caught up in temporary circumstances that sometimes we forget to see the bigger picture. Did we forget that Job had the opportunity to witness powerfully to his three friends? I wonder what happened next in their lives. Did we forget that Job learned a powerful lesson straight from God? Did we forget that Job was blessed ten times more than he was in the beginning? So much more came out of that book than just suffering. And all those greater things came from God moving Job from a place to comfort to a place of growth, growth in character, growth in faith, growth in obedience and growth in blessings.

Is God good?

Imagine if Job simply stated, “look at what Satan is doing”. He would have lost sight that God is capable of greater things than our simple expectations.

If Job gave Satan credit or if Balaam had claimed the donkey was possessed, that would be blasphemy.

Blasphemy means to talk against what God has done or will do. It is said that it is the one unforgivable sin (Matthew 12:31-32, Mark 3:28-30). I’ve been learning that it is unforgivable simply because it’s us turning our backs against God. It is unforgivable because we have literally turned away and made it impossible to accept forgiveness from the only place we can get it. I’ve also been learning that perhaps my poor attitude in difficult times or even my “trudging through” is blasphemy. Can I honestly say that I am praising and trusting God in all things if I choose to assume what the only acceptable treatment of my life should be or to say that God is less than because He is not meeting those expectations? I’m not accepting the growth He is doing in my soul preparing me for eternity when I become fearful or whiny about my circumstances. I’m allowing myself to grow stagnant in my lack of understanding.

Sadly, society has created a stunt for growth. It began with good intentions for people to find better support with their mental illnesses. However, it has been warped. People hide behind mental diagnoses as a shield so that they do not have to practice mental skills. Many have forgotten that these mental illnesses are ones that healing can occur for. Many have forgotten that the brain can be trained and exercised, it can be made stronger and more resilient to changes. One does not have to accept the fate of a mental diagnosis, throw up their hands and say this is the way it is. Especially when faith is involved. Aren’t we supposed to be renewing our minds?

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2

“be made new in the attitude of your minds;” – Ephesians 4:23

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” – 2 Corinthians 5:17

Perhaps Gods goodness is beyond our capacity of understanding and that’s why we need to be transformed by the renewing of our minds.

So, I am trusting.

Trusting in the same God who planted the tree in which His son would be crucified. Trusting that His plan for eternity is better than my plan for now. Trusting in a God who’s not just good, but a God who is greater.

And so, I discover quietness of soul.

“Peace, I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” - John 14:27